The Spark
by Glamac
Summary: Its a talk that Buffy and Spike had about their souls. It´s my first FF with B/S


Disclaimer: You know it. I don't own any of Buffy or Spike or anything. Just this story and my own thoughts.  
  
Takes places in S 7, after Buffy rescued Spike.  
  
  
  
The Spark  
  
She did not know what was worse, the days or the nights. She started to love these times in between. Like now. It would not take long and the sun will rise. This was an interin, in which everything got slower and everyone got the chance to rest. To work through the past things and prepare for the things that may come. She went outside and saw him, lost in his thoughts, sitting on the stairs. Without saying a word, she sat beside him.  
  
"The sun will rise soon," she said after a while of sitting together in silence.  
  
"I know. And it still wont do it for me," he said under his breath.  
  
"How do you mean that? Do you miss daylight more, now that you have a soul?"  
  
His answer was a short painful laugh. "I don't think that my soul has influence in the things I miss or the things I could easily renounce."  
  
"Everything all right, Spike?" she asked nervously.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, everything all right, luv. I´m just sick of being reduced on the bloody soul with all my thoughts and all my actions. Everything repeats. First the explanation for everything was my missing soul, now it is the fact that I have one. And at the same time, I can´t help but think, that the soul doesn´t make a real difference in who I am."  
  
"How can you say that, of course it makes a big difference," she said while looking at him with big eyes. "The soul made you change. Can´t you see it!"  
  
He turned around and looked straight in her eyes, for the first time since she sat beside him. "I do see changes. Different kinds of changes. A part of it is my regret for the things I´ve done. This is the part which I ascribe to the soul. But for the other parts, I´m not so sure about it. I think most parts of them had something to do with you and me, pet." Afterwards his gaze went back to the darkness.  
  
"Could you explain this for me?" she asked him softly, still staring in his face.  
  
"I don´t know. Your going through a hard time at the moment. And it is nothing you would like to hear and maybe now it is not the right time to confront you with all of this."  
  
He could feel how her muscles tensed and how she had to force herself to stay calm. How easy, he thought with a smile on his lips, such little things could bring her up.  
  
"Maybe I really do not have insight in your changes and I do not see everything always as clear as you do, but I do know one thing for sure, and that is, that for me there will never be the right time for anything, because every moment could be my last, more than other people. Therefore, what are you talking about," it came out of her, still a little bit annoyed.  
  
With a sigh he started: "Now that I have a soul, I have thought a lot about, if I´m now, what you deserve. What do you deserve? Who am I and who have I been? Who have you been and who are you now?" He pulled the cigarettes out of his pocket.  
  
There was a pause; she heard the sound of his lighter and then smelled cigarette smoke on the breeze.  
  
Suddenly it came to her, how she never lost one thought in this direction, although it is always her, who talks about the changes. His British accent brought her back to the present.  
  
"When I think about our lives today, I can see clearly parallels in them. We both died and still we live. The soul is in us, since the day of our birth until the day we die. Isn´t that the most spread thought about it?" He turned his head in her direction to see the small nod of her head in the darkness.  
  
"When I lost my soul the day I died, what happened to your soul when you died? We both died, luv, and we are still sitting here together like birds on a wire. When I remember you last year and your problems with your life last year, it is a sign, that you also lost something the day you died."  
  
"But you know, you know that I had the feeling, that I lost something. But I could have not been my soul" she answered with an unintelligible and questioning glance.  
  
"How can you know that. Maybe we all get a soul on our birthday, that looks like a white sheet and we fill it up through our lives. Through our "rebirth" we got blanc pages again. But this time, we had, in contrast to the babies, our fully developed mind, thought, memories and hearts."  
  
She looked at him in shock. "White screen, we have to paint first, after we banished all bright colours out of our painting equipment?"  
  
"Maybe," he answered with a small grin on his face and a raised eyebrow. With this statement, she got the point better, then he had thought she would. He took an other pull from his cigarette and continued to glance in the darkness of her garden.  
  
"Or to go a little bit further: The Egyptians had known seven souls, maybe they hadn´t been so wrong with this theory. And we both didn´t get all of them back at our "rebirth". Or we even didn´t lose all of them when we died. They have been there all the time, but we couldn´t reach all of them."  
  
"Seven souls?", she was getting more and more confused.  
  
He turned his head again a little bit to watch her questioning face out of the corner of his eyes.  
  
"The most important soul in Egypt was AB, the heart-soul. I think, the soul responsible for my heart, never left me, was there the whole time. That is something, I can´t and wont tell about the soul responsible for my conscience and my understanding. I always thought I live because my heart was able to love, the music, the world, you. Today I know, that you also need a soul, to understand what you love. I have to admit now, that I, as hard as my heart tried to help you last year, I never understood what you needed, what you searched for. You lived without a heart that loved unselfish and sacrificing. That was appearantly the soul you lost. But you understood in return, what couldn´t without my soul. Today I know, that we both didn´t live back then."  
  
  
  
"What happened then in Africa? Did you get the missing souls there?"  
  
"I don´t know, but I don´t really think so. They´ve been in me before. I think about it, like they where in me but I couldn´t feel them all. Africa has only been the last test. To see if I´m strong enough for the torment of realisation. After that the veil just fall of the hidden souls. You have had a similar experience here, I think. You earned yourself though the last year the insight of all of your souls. Can you follow me, do you understand what I mean?" he asked her while moving now completely to face her.  
  
She could read in his eyes that he truly hoped to see in hers appreciation and how much it would mean to him.  
  
"Maybe I understand better than you thought," she answered softly. "But I think, that our last test is still in front of us. Or better, we´re fully in it. We have to survive this fight."  
  
Yes, the fighter, he comes always back to surface in her, he thought and in his eyes the respect for her came shining through.  
  
"What will lead us to the next critical point. I don´t know if our new found wholeness wont be in the way when it comes to this fight. The new conscience made me week and vulnerable and with you and your heart it is not very different.  
  
"Maybe we have to see them as our strength and now we have the possibility for it," was her determined answer.  
  
He turned his head a little bit to the side and smiled at her. "Yeah, maybe." Afterwards he glanced in the darkness again and continued: "I just hope, when everything is over, that all the things, that have been, will come back. And, after the survived grave, with our fresh hearts and souls in our young bodies, we can use them so, that we can work through everything and scoop the little bit of luck out of it, that we deserve."  
  
She moved on the step a little bit closer to him, laid her hand in his and squeezed it soft. She leaned her head on his shoulder and they sat there for a while together in silence.  
  
After a few minutes he stood up and pulled her up with him.  
  
"I should go inside now. The sun will rise any moment now. Are you not tired? you should rest a little bit."  
  
"Yeah, I´ll go. I just wanted to enjoy the time before the sunrise. This has become my favourite time of the day."  
  
"I know what you mean. It is mine to. This is our time, because it is like us. Neither day nor night."  
  
Note: I'm new to fanfic writing, so be nice. Love to read reviews. 


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